1. |
hey
03:05
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5 6 7 8
yeah we're wet poodle
we're here to play musical things
(music) because we're really good at it
(music) and if you don't think so well too bad
you already paid for your ticket
(we have your money)
and we don't do refunds because that's what losers do
we're not losers
(fuck) okay um
it's really hard to get on stage
because a lot of people are afraid
(i'm afraid right now)
they make an ass out and then die
(oh shit)
i guess that's not a reason to be afraid
we're all gonna die someday
actually if you think about it
we're all dying right now
(thank god) it's just a really long process
its probably gonna take a few years
unless you get hit by a car
or a rabid racoon
(someone give me your car keys)
(please)
ice run out of words
so have i
so have i
so have i first though because i said it first
(good point)
stop trying to copy me
welcome to the show
(welcome)
or the album if you're listening to that
(we're recording this)
as we speak
(yeah)
we're currently recording this
it's 11:08 PM
or
what is that in military time
it's like
23?
23:8
23:08 o clock
(it's not that hard just add 12)
thats a lot of math
(you serious)
that's like a whole new 2 above 10
(uhh okay i don't know what the fuck you're talking about but go on)
i'm talking about the number 12 but anyway
yeah
(yeah)
i feel like we've done this enough
okay well here. the rest of the show
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2. |
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where'd you get that haircut
at the ass store
where'd you get that haircut
at a soup kitchen
where'd you get that haircut
my ass
where'd you get that haircut
your ass
ohhhh
i'd rather be bald than look like this
i'd rather be dead than look like a third grader
because i'm much cooler than a third grader
i'm at least twice as much
yeah you know it
i'm coming in with a machine gun
because that's what cool people do
they kill other people
yo they like to call me barbie
because i'm fake and im plastic
i also have a plethora of jobs
if you're looking for someone
who's good at multiple things
please contact me at your earliest convenience
because i am desperately unemployed
where'd you get that haircut
at the ass store
where'd you get that haircut
at a soup kitchen
where'd you get that haircut
at at a place where they don't normally give haircuts
because that's what it looks like
you got a sundae surprise for hair
caillou lookin ass
just kidding caillou is bald
and it would look better if you were bald
because that haircut does not fit you
and i missed the cymbal
it's okay
uhh
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3. |
beach
03:21
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i wish i was on the beach
cuz life is just a beach
and i'm playing in the sand
oh yeah (oh yeah)
my ex wife's a beach
but that's why we got a divorce
yeah
(yeah)
i wanna go on the beach
i wanna jack off in the water
make some fish eat it
(fish baby mutants)
fuckin fuckin eat my dick cheese you bitch fish
(you don't wash your dick?)
i don't need to
because i am circumcised
(then why do you have dick cheese)
because it's a figure of speech i guess
oh i love the beach
it makes me want to eat my own
ass cream
got anything to add?
(ass cream? please elaborate)
(i'm confused)
what's weird about that
(are you saying you have ass cream)
(as in your ass produces cream?)
uhh
(like what are you talking about here)
there's lots of different things that ass cream can be
like cream that you put on your ass
(like a topical ointment?)
i'm not telling you
that's private information
(but i wanna know)
you know what i wanna know?
(what)
why i love the beach so much
this place smells and it's sandy
and there's a bunch of fat people here
man i really hate the beach
i'd rather go drink a big cup of bleach
yeah i really hate the beach
smells just like my wife
yeah i really have the beach
(he hates the beach)
that's true its really beach
i wish a shark would come and eat my ass
oh i really hate the beach
and i really hate this song
because it's just okay
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4. |
small talk
02:57
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(hey)
oh hey
(how you doin)
i'm good
(good to hear)
what are you doin
(nothing much)
(went to the supermarket to day)
oh yeah?
(yeah)
(it was alright)
see any good movies
(i don't watch movies)
why... why not
i just don't find them entertaining
they're all a lie
(breaking character)
you mean like... how it's not real?
is that...some are
(no)
documentaries
(no)
(i watched Cars and i left the movie angry)
maybe we shouldn't mention specific movies in case pixar hears this song and sues us
(you uh... read books?)
do i look like a nerd to you
i read?
(i mean... do you-)
no
(do you know how to read?)
that a loaded question
it's a yes or no answer
what's the dif- oh
it's over now
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5. |
*cough*
00:21
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6. |
ghost in my closet
01:58
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there's a ghost in my closet
he spooked me really bad
there's a ghost in my closet
it makes me want to cry
there's a ghost in my closet
he's there and in white
there's a ghost in my closet
somebody help please
somebody's gotta call the guys from ghost adventures
they need to get here
and stop this ghost in my closet
it's really freaking me out
but in the meantime
epic guitar solo
there's a ghost in my closet
he makes me really scared
there's a ghost in my closet
he doesnt have any hair
there's a ghost in my closet
im gonna die soon
there's a ghost in my closet
why doesn't he just come out already
everyone knows
its not a secret anymore dude
just come on out dude
be happy
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7. |
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epic guitar solo
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8. |
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9. |
i am the ocean
02:02
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i am the ocean
you will die in me
i am the ocean
you must die
~water sounds~
~water water water sounds~
i am the ocean
you swim in fish pee
i am the ocean
FUCK
the moon landing was fake
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10. |
ballad of oprah
02:02
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oprah
gave me a car
she also gave me syphilis
from an unrelated incident
oprah
please give me your money
and sit on my face
oprah (oprah)
break my neck
(break my neck in half)
and give me insurance money
(gimme that coin)
so i can get another car
and pay for my syphilis medication
(it's fucking pricey)
oprah (oprah)
gave me a car
she also gave me syphilis
from an unrelated incident
oprah (oprah)
please give me your money
(please i'm broke as fuck)
and sit on my face
yeah oprah
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11. |
attack of the
00:29
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12. |
21 piles of shit
00:08
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13. |
babe
00:23
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14. |
ebay
05:18
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i met a girl on ebay
her name is sharlese (sharlese)
she likes to make cookies for me (bakery)
when my tummy doesn't feel great (pepto bismol)
she's like a medicine woman
except like not (except she's not)
she goes to home goods and buys curtains (curtains)
but that's not even the best of all
bitches on ebay are 39.99
bitches on ebay are 39.99
bitches on ebay are 39.99
bitches on ebay are 39.99
plus tax
(plus tax)
brings it to like 40
who's counting though
not me
i'm just counting how many fucking cookies i'm eating
which is like 11
epic transitional drum solo
the world is full of magic
if you just believe
believe (believe)
believe in magic
believe in magic
(you're not believing in the magic)
and not like pulling a rabbit out of a hat
i mean the magic of life
(and harry potter)
ehh not really (laughter)
like umm evolution is magic
believe
you're not believing
evolution is magic
we're all wizards
ebay is magic
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15. |
garden gnomes
00:28
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garden gnomes makes me feel uncomfortable
i feel like they're always staring at me
garden gnomes makes me feel uncomfortable
please let me mow my lawn in peace
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16. |
shampoo
04:28
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yeah
yeah
yeah
yeah
yeah
yeah
yeah
yeah
i'm in the shower (yeah the shower)
standing in the shower (stand- standing up)
on my feet (...hopefully)
gotta turn the fuckin water on (yeah)
still standing (i didn't sit in the process)
i don't have a chair with me (not yet)
shampoo in my hair (shampoo everywhere)
why is there so much fucking shampoo (i spend way too much on shampoo every week)
i don't have the fuckin budget for that (i'm on a very fixed income and shampoo is like 30% of my profits)
more like... 300% (really?)
there's so much fucking shampoo (shit)
like it just happens
like you're in walmart one day
and you see that sale aisle
and there's like strawberry mist
and you're like shit i need that
there's also like
island adventure
and you're like wow
i could use a vacation for free
but it's not free it's like 19.99
but it's better but like still
anyways
(shampoo)
on my head
(shampoo)
on my head
(shampoo)
in my eyes FUCK
(are you okay)
no
(shampoo)
[deeper] shampoo
(that was nice)
thanks
(shampoo)
shampoo
(comes in many flavors)
did you say flavors?
(what else are you gonna say?)
scents? aromas?
(i guess)
do you eat shampoo? is that what you're implying
(no no no no no dude i just couldn't think of the word so i just picked the first word that made sense to me and that was flavors)
okay
standing in the shower
shampoo in my hair
haven't turned the water on yet
...wait shit i haven't
i don't have hands
(who put on the shampoo)
what the fuck
is there a ghost
(you don't have hands... [laughter])
i have a ghost
that helps me out in the bathroom
[laughter]
(he wipes my ass when i take shits)
it's kinda kind
(like six times a day)
but like kinda creepy
he does it on autopilot now like i don't even have to say anything
standing in the shower
shampoo in my hair
still no hands
ghost in my bathroom
still standing
hours have passed
i'm really hungry
gotta eat the shampoo
(see now flavors apply)
tastes like chemicals
this can't be healthy
(so does fuckin fast food)
those are different chemicals
you don't put fast food in your hair
(maybe we should)
yeah i'll get an order of mcnuggets and rub that in my hair
get like that barbeque sauce
but big mac sauce in my hair
(okay i get it)
i'm just trying to be funny
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17. |
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consider yourself converted
apply directly to the forehead
antidisestablishmentarianism
hey little boy
lamp? more like fuck off litte boy you aint shit
ba ba... ba ba
organic blackberry spread
everything you do is a meme
there is no escaping the consequences
i dream of eggplant spaghetti
i have a kidney stone the size of new jersey
materiali...?
materialistic
work on your handwriting
somebody forgot their toothpaste
your scabs are gay
[roblox death sound]
shit on my chest mo
there is no escaping the consequences
buzfeed killed my grandma
stop cucking
i will sneak into your room
cock 'n roll tbh
oh no
n n n n n n n n n n
bowl cut
hail to the beef
bee sting in my ass
gay walruses
three
congratulations
hand sanitizer
the
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18. |
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19. |
super big coin
02:50
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goin to the bank
gettin money
at the tella
im like hey fella
he dead inside
im like bitch me too
he dead inside im like
bitch me too
writin checks
getting coin
writing checks
super big coin
bought myself a house
in a house
thats double rent
super big coin
i got your girl
with my coin
she my girl
super big ass
writin checks
getting coin
writing checks
super big coin
i got a car
her name is clitoris
she got a flat tire
just like her flat ass
i got a boat
his name is donald
he out there floating
like a boat
writin checks
getting coin
writing checks
super big coin
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20. |
bye
03:10
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goodbye
goodbye
unless you wanna stick around and party after the show
unless you're listening to the album then bye
(bye bye bye bye)
(bye bye bye bye)
bye bye birdy
we're done singing
our throats hurt
yeah we're all gonna die
yeah we're all gonna die
except for me and my friend here
because we're immortal musical being
we're never gonna die
unlike you
you worthless swine
get ready for some crazy syncopations
now get ready for a crazy piano solo
it may be time to say goodbye
but wet poodle's never gonna die
unlike you
or the rest of your family
they have expiration dates on them but not us
because we're much better than your family
we're two guys with instruments
don't forget
we're wet poodle
and we're awesome
we're wet poodle
and we're awesome
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